


If only

by escapemyshadow



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Kozume Kenma - Freeform, Kuroo Father, Kuroo Mother, Lots of Crying, M/M, Mention of Bokuto and Akaashi - Freeform, Not main character's death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 21:53:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8595142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/escapemyshadow/pseuds/escapemyshadow
Summary: However, this time, he had no excuse to make. If only, he had paid more attention to Kuroo. If only, he was in love with him, no one would be crying. Bokuto wouldn’t be cussing at him. Kenma wouldn’t be glaring at him.  The hidden disappointment from Akaashi, he could feel deep inside his bones.





	

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This is going to be a sad and angsty fic. And...my bad english ! Not the main character death !

Tsukishima was perplexed. He never knew this day would come and never once, he wished for it. If he could turn back the time, If only he could change his feelings, maybe he wouldn’t be feeling so guilty.  
He should have tried harder, he always knew the other boy was deeply in love with him and he had accidentally took advantage of it. He should have be more careful about it but he had always pushed the blame to his own personality. Making up excuses.  
“I am like this. If you can’t handle, you can leave.”  
“Fuck off, I said stop. Geez, when will you listen?”  
However, this time, he had no excuse to make. If only, he had paid more attention to Kuroo. If only, he was in love with him, no one would be crying. Bokuto wouldn’t be cussing at him. Kenma wouldn’t be glaring at him. The hidden disappointment from Akaashi, he could feel deep inside his bones.  
Tsukishima will never be able to forgive himself. If only, he had not took everything for granted. If only, he had tried harder. If only, his feelings had not changed.  
If only, he was still in love with Kuroo Tetsurou. Then, maybe Kuroo wouldn’t be lying lifelessly on the white sheet. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they first came out to everyone, no one believed them. Both of them did received threats from the opposing teams. Tsukishima was more surprised when he was pulled away quietly by Kenma. He thought it would be the usual ‘threat’ talk but it turned out Kenma was begging him not to hurt Kuroo. Tsukishima thought it would be impossible for him to hurt Kuroo because Kuroo was one of the most popular boy in his school while Tsukishima is just plain normal and probably, a bit salty to almost everything. Maybe is because of Kenma’s look, Tsukishima decided to be nice and smiled and nodded.  
“I know I always seemed distant and cold at times but Kuroo is my best friend. He is just like my family. And I will never wish for anything bad happens to him. I … know he likes you, really a lot. He may tease you quite a bit but that’s how he shows his love.” Tsukishima held back his scoff, and continued to wait for Kenma to talk, “He may look cool and laidback but he always put others before himself. He does not think for himself, instead … he thinks very low of himself.” Tsukishima wanted to interrupt, saying that it was impossible, every vibes Kuroo had given out was shouting, “badass” but before he could say anything, Kenma began to speak, “He does not speak much of his family. That’s because he only has his mother and till now, he is still blaming himself for his broken family.”  
Tsukishima stared at Kenma in confusion, he did not know this part of Kuroo but maybe Kuroo was still not ready to tell him yet. He could wait though.  
“Kuroo is just….he is fucking complicated.” Kenma groaned, “He thinks he can handle everything and always forget that he has us to fall back on. He always use humor and insults to provoke people but that’s how he tried to bring the best out of them, he seemed that he does not care about what others think of him but actually, he keep each and every words deep inside his heart. I… I just wanted to tell you that whatever you see from Kuroo is actually very different from who he actually was. So if you choose to be with him, please never hurt him. Because….I know he will …never hurt you.”  
Tsukishima wasn’t really paying much attention because he deeply believed that Kuroo was not that kind of person. The Kuroo he knew was someone pain in the ass but somehow he still likes him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first fight happened at the year end. Tsukishima did not paid much attention to it because it had always been like this.  
Kuroo annoyed him. He got angry. He shouted at him. He screamed hurtful words at his boyfriend. He slammed the door at his shivering boyfriend in the cold rainy night.  
“What are you doing over here?”  
“Tsukki!!! I missed you so much and it was Friday’s night. I don’t have practice tomorrow morning so I thought that I can visit you. And do you know what date is today?” Kuroo beamed, shooting his words like bullets.  
Tsukishima frowned, he had a long day today. He just showered and was ready to tackle his book for his upcoming tests. He does not have much time to waste with Kuroo.  
And he hates surprise.  
“Tsukki!! I miss you!” Kuroo stepped forward, trying to hug the slightly taller boy but he moved back and grimaced.  
No matter how much Tsukishima wanted to give in but Kuroo needs to understand that there are times where he needs to stop being so self-importance. He bit his bottom lip slightly, as he rubbed his forehead.  
“Kuroo, you need to go home.” He ignored Kuroo’s fallen face, “I am very tired. I have no energy to entertain you now.”  
“Are you okay? Is there something happened?” Tsukishima knew he should be glad that Kuroo was totally not fazed being asked to go home but instead being worried over him. However, he was just so tired and honestly, all he wanted was a quiet environment. He also knew if he lets Kuroo in, it mean he would have to deny his want.  
“You happened! You know I hate being surprised! So why would you come all the way here on a rainy night? You should have called me! What if I am busy? For once, can you stop acting so mighty and stop doing unnecessary stuffs!”  
“I…but today is ….”  
“Well today happened to be a bad day for me!”  
Kuroo moved the hand that held a bouquet of rose behind his back, he looked a bit guilty.  
“I came is because today’s our five month anniversary…” But Tsukishima never managed to hear because he had already slammed the door at Kuroo.  
When Tsukishima was out of Kuroo’s sight, he let out a tiny sob. He bent his head low, wishing no one will be able to catch his tears. He tried to take a deep breath so he could calm himself down but the tears keep flowing.  
He feels awful and useless for not able to meet Tsukishima’s expectation. The fear of having Tsukishima leaving him is as strong as the little Kuroo begging his dad to stay.  
He felt that no matter what he did would never be enough for Tsukishima, just like no matter how hard he tried to be better, scoring an A for all his grades and excelling at his sport will never be enough for his dad to stay. He never wanted to share this part of him with Tsukishima is because he knew Tsukishima is kind and he does not want to burden him.  
He knew Tsukishima always has trouble with conveying his feelings and has insecurities. This was why Kuroo never want to pressure him, never wanted to push things too far. But he believed Tsukishima loved him so he has to be better. He has to be the stronger one in this relationship, he could not show any weakness.  
Little did we know, Kuroo had actually stood outside of Tsukishima’s house for an hour, hoping that the younger boy would maybe open the door for him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They both made up, Kuroo had apologized with a strawberry shortcake first and lucky Tsukishima forgave him.  
Their relationship was full of up and down but it was nothing Kuroo could not solve. However, first suspicion occurred when Kuroo entered second year of his college and Tsukishima was a third year. Things get more hectic and time spent for each other was getting shorter and lesser day by day.  
Kuroo’s mother was admitted to hospital due to deteriorating health. Kuroo spent more time with his mother and school wasn’t giving him a good time. He didn’t want to share this grief with Tsukishima because he knew the younger boy wasn’t having a good time too.  
Being a third year and a captain of a strong volleyball team wasn’t easy at all, Tsukishima did not need more stress from his boyfriend.  
Kuroo doesn’t know when Tsukishima started to change. He didn’t know who the girl that always seem with him is. He didn’t know Tsukishima could smile so freely. He didn’t know Tsukishima could actually talk a lot. He didn’t know when Tsukishima had stopped loving him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tsukishima thought breaking up with Kuroo would be the hardest thing to do. According to Tsukishima, he believed Kuroo would think that it was a joke and probably laughed it off then when he realized it was real, he would start cussing before breaking down. Tsukishima had even thought of numerous ways to break up with Kuroo, trying to minimize the damage to the lowest. After all, he has never wanted to break Kuroo’s heart.  
But no, Tsukishima would never expect that Kuroo would react this way. Kuroo was sitting across him on the couch, wearing an old sweater that seemed slightly bigger as it showed Kuroo’s collarbone. Kuroo looked so tired, so defeated and un-surprised.  
Kuroo’s mind was running wild despite his unfazed face. His mind was screaming, “Why” as his heart throbbing painfully. He took a shuddered breath before looked up at him. His eyes were red and glistening with tears. He licked his dry lips and swallowed hardly.  
“Can I ask you one question?” Tsukishima nodded.  
“Do I…do you?” Kuroo let out a shaky breath, “do I worth your love for the past two years?”  
Tsukishima felt a pang of guilty and sadness in his heart, he really did loved Kuroo, and maybe he didn’t show it well. Kuroo’s question had proved how unsure he was even when they were in love.  
“I really did loved you but…” Tsukishima looked at the floor, “I am sorry. I am so sorry. I couldn’t…I didn’t have anything with that girl…I could never cheat on you.”  
Kuroo showed a wobbly smile, “I know…you are a kind person. I am glad that you met her. She could bring out different sides of you and I couldn’t."  
Tsukishima decided to be selfish for the one last time, “Can we still be friends? You are a great person and you had given me so much. I am really thankful for our relationship.”  
“Then can I request one last thing?” Tsukishima nodded, “Can you hug me one last time and lie to me that you love me?”  
Tsukishima walked slowly to Kuroo, he bent down and wrapped his arms around Kuroo’s carefully. It hurts Tsukishima to see Kuroo being like this, so vulnerable and breakable. It hurts more when Tsukishima knows he was the one who caused this.  
“I love you.”  
“Thank you for loving me.” 

When Tsukishima walked out of the door, Kuroo fell to the floor. He held his head tightly as he screamed painfully. He sobbed as he pulled his hair, clawed his nails onto his skin as he tried to create more physical pain so he could forget the emotion pain. He wanted to hurt himself so badly.  
“You are a great person.” If he was great, why would Tsukishima want to leave?  
“You had given me so much.” Not enough. It would never be enough.  
No matter how much he do, his dad still left him.  
No matter how much he tried to not let history repeat, Tsukishima couldn’t stay. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Mummy… Can you hear me? I know you are there!” Kuroo frantically grabbed onto his mother’s body. “Mummy, I promised that I will learn how to make your favourite food and I bought it here.” Kuroo continued shaking his mother, “You have to wake up and eat!”  
“Kuroo-san…”  
“Don’t touch me!” Kuroo growled, “What are you all doing? Faster wake my mother up!”  
“Kuroo-san, I am sorry to inform your mother had passed away this morning due to her heart's failure.”  
“Funny…” Kuroo laughed slightly, “I talked to her just yesterday and I said I will make her favourite food. She promised me that she is going to eat it.”  
“I deeply apologized for your loss.” The doctor moved away his graze solemnly and informed the nurse to cover his mother with white sheet. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The flashing light from Kuroo’s phone was too bright. It only been a day but it felt like years.  
Kenma…Bokuto…Akaashi….  
He could not face any of them. They have no idea what happened because never once Kuroo had told them.  
“It is okay.” This is what he always says when they asked about his school, his family, his relationship, his well-being.  
But no, it was not okay. Nothing is going to be okay. Everything hurts so much.  
His father had abandoned him.  
His Tsukishima had left him.  
His mother couldn’t stay any longer.  
He could hear the horn loudly but he couldn’t move at all. He looked at the red car driving towards him and smiled. Maybe, this time he could be the one who leave first. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tsukishima was perplexed. He never knew this day would come and never once, he wished for it. If he could turn back the time, If only he could change his feelings, maybe he wouldn’t be feeling so guilty.  
He looked Kuroo lying lifelessly on the bed.  
His smirk was no longer pasting on his face.  
His annoying voice was no longer being heard.  
“HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPENED? WHY? WHERE WERE YOU WHEN HE NEEDED YOU THE MOST?” Bokuto grabbed Tsukishima’s shirt, causing him to fall forward.  
Tsukishima mumbled, “Where was I when he needed me the most?” His mind is no longer working.  
“You could have told us that you broke up with him….we would have….we would have stay by his side.” Bokuto slowly let go of Tsukishima and walked back to Kuroo.  
“His mother just passed away.”  
“I ….” Tsukishima didn’t know. He said he wanted to be Kuroo’s friend but he realized that he was just trying to escape from feeling too much guilt. Because….if he was Kuroo’s friend. He would know. He would be there for him.  
Kenma looked up at Tsukishima with red eyes, “I trusted you…”  
A doctor had told them that he didn’t know when Kuroo would be waking up or if he ever wake up, would he still have his memory or would he still be able to function like a normal being. Because he had lost too much blood and his brain had deprived of oxygen for quite a while.  
Kenma’s parents declared that no matter how long Kuroo was going to take, they would wait. Because Kuroo Tetsurou was a part of their family and they would never leave him alone.  
Kenma held on Kuroo’s fingers and whispered, “Wake up, idiot. I promised…” he exerted more force in his voice, “No one is going to hurt you again.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tsukishima slowly closed the door and walked to the nearest seat. He gripped his pant tightly, and he finally cried.  
If only, he had care more.  
If only, he had pay more attention.  
If only, he still in love with him.  
But Tsukishima could not control his feelings, he could not force love…

**Author's Note:**

> I was planning to kill Kuroo... T.T but he was my precious cinnamon roll and I refused to kill him off. Maybe...he will wake up again!  
> Please leave comment! Thank you for reading!


End file.
